Archive | mind games RSS feed for this section

is love blind?

10 Sep

being sensitive by nature, i am easily smitten by moments – romantic / heart warming ones. sumtimes, somebody could do something plainly simple but my heart would fall immediately for his action.

my dear friend calls me the goddess of love as i always have this high vision in love & wat it shud be in our lives. i also frequently justify the need of love in life & how we shud cherish it. my fren on the other hand, believes dat we shud only give wat others are giving us & never to go beyond wat we receive – if they give you 50% then, we shud do the same.

i believe in going the extra miles for love. it’s not that im clingy or pampered of sort, but i hold on to the idea that doing so is priceless in a relationship. it’s the epitome of pure love & pure demands sincerity. a friend said im dumb & im ok with her opinion. im dumb to her as i would trouble myself for a piece of cake for my loved one, for their birthday. i would spend a fortune for a birthday gift & travel hundreds of miles on flight just to celebrate a special day with my bf. i would do a lot of unthinkable things just to make sum1 happy.

i never regard my actions as a waste nor im waiting for a return. never. i only enjoy doing them as i hope all the things that i did, do & will be doing, are blessed.. i only see it in one way – what goes around comes around – and although it takes years to be fruitful, u’ll savour the sweetness of ur good deeds out of love one day.

here are some of my most priceless experiences:

1.  he’s a student in my school. being an orphan & adopted by a poor family, he never had the opportunity to enjoy luxuries in life. one day, he asked my help to bring him to a bank. he said he needed to withdraw some cash & i didnt mind as i was going to send some kids to the bus station. coming out of the bank, he was looking sad & restless. i was concerned & he told me dat there’s no money in his account. i was speechless but offered mine. he refused definitely & i got to know he needed the money to buy some baju raya. i was taken aback as i had promised myself, months before, to buy him some (without him knowing). i went back home feeling so guilty because i forgot all about it – the promise. i told my sis & we immediately ran to the nearest mall & shopped 2 shirts of his size. the next day, i quietly asked one of his friends to give him them. however, he knew it was me who bought him the shirts. he came instantly to ask about it & he was at the verge of crying. i was too but i only said that it was a gift i promised him. he gave me the most unidentifiable look i ever seen from him & i was afraid he would return them. the night of hari raya, he texted me. he said ive given him a priceless gift & was so ever thankful. i was glad he loved both shirts & after that, he was closer to me than ever before.

2. she’s incomprehensible. misunderstood most of the time. she’s undoubtedly a spoiled brat in her family. through good source, we found out that her demands were never denied. he academic performance was worrying many teachers, especially her subject teachers. i even seen with this very eyes, how she was scolded about her exam marks. as a teacher, i got angry too, even showed tantrum once i couldnt bear my dissatisfaction towards my students’ reluctance to change for the better, but the scolding she received that day was too sad to watch. that nite, i searched her FB account. i wrote what i expected from her & told her the needs for her to change her attitude towards learning. i was not teaching her so it’s difficult to actually talk to her face to face. after weeks, i received her reply. she was grateful that i cared although i was just another teacher to her. she thought everyone hated her. later, when we met in school, she came & hugged me. i was touched & since then, ive seen her changed & improved. she took it one step at a time, yet, she had done a miraculous improvement in her studies. one day, she came in to my room & handed me a pic. behind it there’s a writing – of how i had given her the strength to be better & be accepted. it completed another perfect day ^^

3. i never expected to be told how i was loved & missed by a shy boy but it happened. he was my mentee in school – where a mentor (me) is given the responsibility to be the foster parents to them. he was like a brother to me. he never did anything to hurt me & as ever protective & consoling. although he’s rather quiet & shy, but he would always share his problems & worries. i tried my best to help & all would be ended with a thank you from him. he never forgot to thank me. after school, he never stopped contacting – phone calls, text msgs, emails, FB & i am always thrilled to hear from him. it was never a lengthy one but he would always say hi. it has been 7 years & he is still the same. one day, he said that he’s going to change course. he’s taking ALAM & he’s been applying for years to be accepted. i was happy for him definitely. at the end of the conversation, he told me he loved me. i was flattered of course as it’s a rare occurrence for a boy to tell me so. i asked him why & he told me how he is thankful to have me in his life. how would u feel if somebody told u that? i was on cloud nine & in return, said i love him too which is true. he would occasionally text me to ask how am i doing & stuff & end them with telling me how he loved me & missed me. i am happy as he told me so as he means a lot to me too. he confessed that i had been so kind to him in school & he would never forget my kindness, that’s why he always contacted me. he rephrased an advice i gave him in school & i was touched that he still remembers. i thought hard of what i did for him in school & there’s nothing extraordinary about them. to him, my small kindness is a blessing & i was thankful to God to know him

although i seem fragile & weak to some, but i know that love could penetrate even the thickest human. kindness would always win & to be able to be kind, we have to do it out of love. out of care. im glad God has made me this way because it has made me loved by many, as i never fail to love them too ^^

marry or not to marry

3 Jun

it wouldnt be fair to say that only a few throw me the IT question which refers to the subject of getting married. the WH items would be : when, why, what & who

  1. when will i be married?
  2. why am i not married?
  3. what am i waiting for?
  4. who am i waiting for?

well, if it’s an add maths equation, i would pass with flying colors calculating my answers through ^^ besides, God’s plan & what He’s written for me, this humble servant would only have one answer – it’s NOT my time. it”s my two younger sis’ but STILL not mine.

in a traditional belief, an older sister should always marry first as it’s bad luck to go before the older. although custom wise i find it right but when God sets it that way, i believe it’s cruel to go against the idea. therefore, i happily allowed my sisters to get married.

socially, a full grown woman with career & mental strength to lead a family SHOULD get married. i find it logic but women with career have lesser time to have fun nowadays. therefore, lopsided socially & they are kept hands full with job loads.

ironically, friends & families would race to match singles with any available lads who seem compatible through their perspective. yet, when the two meet, trouble would come & it’s never easy for cupid to strike if there’s no mr. chemistry around ^^

i have this strong belief that God has planned great things for me while i’m single. i dont loath the idea of matchmaking but i always believe in natural relationship which doesnt involve others to tell us this person is right for you. i dont ignore e-friends but the rate of deceiving men in the net is increasing in an alarming number which is quite frightening. how do u know a man is true by his chat & msgs?

time is running fast & i know there’s zillions of young ladies out there that can outdo me with their styles & guts. i believe in staying true to yourself is worth fighting for & with the right mind, i could go through this with courage.

i’m going with God then ^^

kitty’s dark parade

28 Nov

as far as i could remember, all of us in the family loves cats. be it little kitties nor big ones, there’s no exception for us to adore and cherish them. for some, they are only nuisance with fur, but to us they share wondrous moments in life.

today, spotty, a 4 months kitty, died of unknown cause. she remained quiet, resisted food and water with constant persistence to be alone somewhere hidden in the house. these were the signs she was going away but we refused to subdued to the fact as she was in the picture of good health. she was playful and joyful to everyone in the house.

she was one of the many cats we had and lost in years. when i was little, we had this young mommy cat which had 4 kittens named after all the Japanese characters we know. one by one died of many causes which i couldnt actually remember, so we stopped giving japanese names (taboo) 🙂

next batch, we named all of our kittens after characters in dallas. we have jack, jill and a few others. jack died of old age but jill was killed by a hit and run.. we encountered her in front of the house bleeding still, when we got back from our auntie’s. all of us cried..

then, we had the amazing boy. he’s intelligent for a cat and he would always know how to get our attention.. dad was the closest to him where he would instantly run to the front of the house once he heard dad’s car entering the porch. he even accompanied dad reading newspaper by sitting on it. he died when dad accidentally run over him with his car. he sneaked out when he heard dad started the car and dad didnt realise until it was too late. dad was devastated and didnt go to work that day :/

garfield and jemir were brothers i took home from my college. i saw these two little yellow kittens playing in front of my house and they were adorable. these 2 were literally urchins as they would play with anything – they killed my mom’s flowers in the pot, broken many of the decorative items in the house and mom was definitely pissed. however, they were furry and sweet. both died with diseases and garfield died in my arms..

after them we had nicky, a tommy white and had a short tail.. this little number had saved mom from being bitten by a snake which was hiding under the cupboard in the kitchen. mom was angry when he was hissing and tried to scratch mom but actually he was warning mom about the killer cobra. mom was forever thankful to him for saving her life. nicky went away one day and never came back.

he was tough with wonderful black eyes. yaakub was another tabby we owned that was hard to forget. he was born on the backyard of our house and we instantly adopted him. he was normal but his death was heart breaking. when he grew older, he went out and fought his own territory and one day he was gone. after a few months, i heard a cat meowing outside and it was really familiar. there he was in the drain yet when i called him, he remained in it without coming to the door. i was puzzled and immediately i knew something was wrong. his legs were paralysed and we suspected he was run over by motorists roaming around the neighbourhood. after leaving home for months, he came back just to see us and died with all the family members around him 😦

hitam was my mom’s beloved. he was quiet and lazy but mom just loved him. he was all mysterious, probably because he was black 🙂 he died right after we took him to the veterinarian. he gave hitam a shot instead it killed him. he died in the car on the way back and mom was really upset. she blamed us for bringing him to the clinic.

we also had kuning. this one was taken home by my older sister. he was the most obedient and protective. this yellow chap would eat, go out and play but never forgot to come home. he was the only one allowed to sleep inside since he could go to the toilet himself when nature called. we just need to clean it in the morning. he too, went away one day and never came back.

we have many more after that and all of them carved memories unforgotten in us. people say, when a male cat is old enough to move on his own, he would leave his owner and roam around for his kingdom. ours were all gone and died elsewhere without us seeing it with our own eyes. they would have understand that death would only make us sad.

owning cats requires patience and the pure passion to loving them. they would touch you deep inside and when they are going to heaven, it would also do the same. it’s tormenting yet it developed you in some ways or another 🙂

quotes for life

8 Jul

what do you feel when you read the quote?

i was suddenly boosted with OVERJOY o.d. and elated because the quote is true.

somewhere in our life, we make people happy with our presence.

we affect somebody somehow that they will be the happiest when they see us or even catch the glimpse of us.

i have a lot more to share.

do enjoy these wonderful & magical spirit-boosting quotes in this entry..

bon apetite! 😛

forgetting MR. PAST

7 Jul

as if the world has come to an apocalypse, i was standing on the verge of insanity. i lost grip of the real things in life. all the visions i saw, was as vague & blinding as the misty morning. i couldn’t think, decide nor  move on. the lost had put my life to a halt. i was doomed. i was slaughtered by my own thoughtless suicidal agony. i forgot to smile, to laugh or even to feel happy. i was dying slowly inside. my heart was rotten. it only beat to my dark desire to die & to leave all the misfortunes behind. i prayed to God to take the life from me.

it was never answered. i questioned His decision. why does this woman kept alive to live a desperate lowly lie? what could she possibly learn from it? the torture. the weary mind. the hapless body. she wanted death to come more than anything & it did. it came & took the 2 close person she never expected to go. the 2, left behind a loving family & children who still need a father.

it struck me right in the core of my selfish mind. i was stunned. i asked for death, yet when it arrived, i was not prepared to go or to let go. i thought it’ll be easy to die & leave behind all the miseries as if nobody will care. what was created from death was only cries & regrets of not spending as many time together as possible. that’s something as valuable as life itself.

DEATH gave me LIFE. the will to live again. feeling sorry for myself will never bring me anywhere but blues. hence, i choose to live

one way street to boredom

1 Jun

routine is something really demanding. u r required to do the same thing over and over again till u r really good in it that u need no instruction nor guide to get it over with. i hate the idea of being a teacher once coz i know that we’ll be doing the same particular thing throughout our service. i took the job as my father wanted me to (though there’s always a silver lining behind the clouds) and now i’m contemplating whether i should pursue teaching as my whole life career or should i take another route and reinvent myself into something fulfilling and satisfying (to myself of course).

i’m definitely thinking about all the pros and cons & deciding can cause a domino effect that i might regret in the future. my good friend finished her masters and now is teaching in a uni. she said it’s really different & easier (in a lot of categories that is). another friend of mine is applying for masters due to her husband’s request. yet, she doesn’t know why she needs a masters degree. hmm.. i wanted it too, but i dont know what am i going to do with it. is there a need for me to further my studies? what a masters degree could help me with? questions, questions & questions arise..

the root to all these negative ideas is of course boredom. although stephen covey stated that routine makes a man, it is also making the man bored (unless u r working in a theme park or enjoyable places). i’m teaching the same thing for 7years & although i’ve varied my materials & methods of teaching, it’ll go back to 1 state – boredomland – the literature component for instance, was used for 10 years till a new one is introduced. imagine that! i can actually remember all the poems & short stories word by word. huh!

one senior teacher said, we need to move out from a school once every 5 years. if not we’ll be burnt out or ‘immune’ with the administration or the culture of the school. consequently, we’ll be less productive & static. this is very true as what i’ve learnt in organizational behavior course. our productivity & skills will remain stagnant if we stayed in one place more than 5 years. go figure.

i’m considering every option i have which is:

  • moving out from the school
  • taking masters degree full time
  • moving out from my house
  • taking skill classes
  • participate in educational courses
  • invest in new hobbies

i’ll take my time to consider them & work things out. seeing others being so eager & enthusiastic makes me envious. i guess they know what they want already & accept it the way it is. i need to know it too then

suka tak suka

31 May

istilah ‘suka’ memang sesuatu yg sukar ditafsir. suka kita pada sesuatu kadang2 tiada penjelasan & kadang2 tak suka kita pun sama.

nak jadi orang yang disukai rasanya lagi susah berbanding tak disukai. untuk disukai, sesorg kena bekerja keras mengambil hati, menjaga hati & selalunya bertindak hipokrit untuk disukai. mana tidak kalau kita perlu disukai kerana sebab tertentu. kalau di tempat kerja, suka tak suka seseorg pada kita amat PENTING. penting kerana ia boleh melibatkan hal2 penilaian prestasi, penempatan, beban kerja & layanan orang lain terhadap kita. perihal layanan ni walaupun dikira perkara remeh, namun org yg disukai tentulah menerima layanan istimewa berbanding yang tidak.

ada yang kategorikan suka ini ‘pilih kasih’ dan ada yang kata suka ni ‘kroni’. masing2 pilih & tafsirlah. dasar pilih kasih atau secara profesionalnya disebut ‘favoritism’, sebenarnya berlaku di mana2 walhal dalam keluarga. pilih kasih ni berlaku bertitik tolak dari perasaan suka seseorg pada org lain & yg disukai tentulah dilebih2kan. tak salah kalau suka, tetapi bila suka itu menguntungkan satu pihak tertentu sehingga menjejaskan periuk nasi orang lain atau timbul ketidakadilan, maka suka ini SALAH

seorg rakan menerima anugerah perkhidmatan cemerlang (APC) namun dipertikaikan kerana dia dikatakan anak emas pentadbir. walaupun dia mungkin pekerja yang benar2 cemerlang, oleh kerana dia lebih dikenali sebagai kesayangan pihak atasan, yang lain membantah & menimbulkan pertelingkahan yang maha dasyat di tempat kerja. hasilnya, yang tidak bersalah terganggu dengan perang psikologi yang tak berpenghujung. tempat kerja jadi medan ketegangan & keharmonian juga terjejas.

namun, suka tak suka ini perkara subjektif. sesorg mungkin disukai kerana rupa paras atau individu lain mungkin disukai kerana kecekapan beliau menjalankan tugas. tepuk dada tanya selera 😛 selagi ada manusia yang bijak mengambil kesempatan, maka selagi itulah ketidakadilan berlaku dan selagi ada manusia yang sentiasa ikhlas dan amanah maka insya allah, keberkatan itu dibalas jua.